Always be a first-rate version of yourself and not a second-rate version of someone else.

 – Judy Garland, American singer and actress

We’ve got to invest the time to learn who we are and why we are that way, so we can lead in a way that’s true to ourselves.

Thursdays at 5:30 pm were known as the ‘walk of tears and fears’ on the executive floor of a world-renowned institution as the Finance Leadership Team, all seasoned professionals, exited their weekly departmental meeting with their CFO John.  John had a reputation as one of the best CFO minds the organization had in a long time; however, he was as a terror to work with. He was demanding and unforgiving. He often berated his team and spoke derogatorily about his peers. He frequently drove team members to tears.

The CEO asked me to work with John because the level of tension and turmoil had reached a new peak, and the negative impact of Finance’s dysfunction was spreading further across the organization. While many people frequently threatened to quit, ultimately they chose to stay because they saw the professional value of learning from John’s knowledge and expertise.  But the toll it took on them was insufferable. Moreover, John’s peers and colleagues across the organization avoided collaborating with him because he was just too difficult. It was clearly not a way to run a business.

As I got to know John better – his conversational style, back story, values, family, beliefs, and motivators = I couldn’t help but notice the stark incongruity between the person he was professionally versus outside of work. He was a kind person with a fascinating background.  The stories he shared about his life’s experiences were engaging and funny. He showed the depth of his compassion. In fact, John was a gentle soul.  He was deeply committed to doing right by the organization, and said he cared about his team, but what drove his behavior was results at any cost.

I asked John how his family and friends would describe him. Then, I asked him to describe his reputation at work and he seemed to have a reasonable grasp of how he was perceived. After he responded, I paused, allowed space for reflection, and then asked, “Which description of John suits you and fits you better?”

To find yourself, think for yourself.

– Socrates, Greek philosopher

Countless times, I have had the privilege of working with leaders who were groomed by exceptional mentors. However, when they move into their role, some leaders think they need to ‘look like’, ‘act like’, and ‘sound like’ their predecessor to succeed. Yet, they struggle to find their footing and achieve what they envisioned once they step into the role. They don’t handle new challenges or situations as effectively because they haven’t yet found the approach or style that suits them best.

To become your best leader-self, you must develop your self-awareness – understand what motivates you, how you process information, how you collaborate best, and how you can lean into your strengths and talents. This self-awareness enables you to communicate more effectively and provide clearer guidance to your teams and colleagues.  It will also help you to unravel complex situations, respond in a more compelling way, and set a path forward.

Learn from, but do not mimic, leaders you admire.  While many leaders have been fortunate to learn from mentors that they admired, and still many of us have not, replicating their leadership style is not the way to become one’s best leader-self. This journey hinges on knowing oneself and deeply understanding one’s unique leadership style and profile.

Be yourself – not your idea of what you think somebody else’s idea of yourself should be.

– Henry David Thoreau, American poet, philosopher, and environmental scientist

Leadership is like a well-tailored suit – it must fit YOU

John genuinely thought he needed to show up and behave in certain ways to be seen as a “leader”.  Through our 6-month intensive collaboration, he had two pivotal insights that transformed his leadership style:

1. Impact to others: Once he realized the profound and debilitating impact of his leadership style, he was shocked. He was mortified to discover that he was the source of his team’s stress and their fear to get anything wrong. He understood how he triggered paralysis of thought in others when he asked them for their input. He also recognized the anxiety he induced leading up to and following his Thursday meetings.

2. Impact to self: He discovered how uncomfortable he was being a tyrant – it didn’t come naturally to him, it never fit right. Then where did it come from? His best mentor was a true tyrant, and John thought that was how great CFOs needed to show up!  He realized the huge toll it took on him personally, and he had a better understanding why he got so frustrated with himself and others. He constantly felt on edge during the week and realized that on Sunday nights he felt as though he had “to armor up”.

As John and I continued to work together he learned more about himself and how he wanted to better express himself in different situations. He shed his armor, traded in the ill-fitting suit of his mentor, and was able to lead more authentically. His team and colleagues responded in kind. They no longer had to pay such a steep price to benefit from his expertise. And, the exit from his office each Thursday at 5:30 began to take on a more upbeat feel.

Only the truth of who you are, if realized, will set you free.

– Eckhart Tolle, German author The Power of Now and spiritual teacher

Don’t pay the price for an ill-fitting suit

How many of us know leaders, or are ourselves leaders, that are wearing ill-fitting suits? Not showing up as one’s authentic self takes a toll on everyone, including the leader. It is important to note that most leaders wearing ill-fitting suits are not tyrants. We know many leaders who seem awkward or uncomfortable, despite having the knowledge, skills, and abilities. Another client I worked with used a different analogy. He told me he felt as though he shed a clown suit – it was always too cumbersome, and he couldn’t be his true self; he just needed guidance to discover his unique style and how to show up as the leader he was meant to be. When we don’t know our preferred way to communicate, process information, or respond in various situations, we stifle everyone, and organizations fail to benefit from the full talent and expertise of their leaders.

What is the price you are willing to pay? Let’s find the best fitting suit for you to lead.